Adrift. Unmoored. Life support dwindling fast. These days I feel like I’m lost in space, my last tether to reality quickly unraveling. What is happening here?
At the beginning of August, my three cats and I moved to the suburbs to live with my boyfriend and his two dogs. Our seven-being household is the only thing holding me together these days. In mid-August, my company laid me off. Realistically, I had understood that this would happen sooner or later. What does a hotel event manager do when hotels are barely open, and events are illegal?
My colleagues have moved on to other jobs, but I have a curious lack of direction. I’m no longer receiving unemployment, though I suppose I could if I took the time to fill out the correct paperwork. I’m also not applying for any job that might have me. To be honest, I have only seen two job openings that seem even vaguely worth pursuing in the last few months. Today I received word that I failed the interview for one of them. The other never even wrote me back.
I had this dream last week that my old Assistant GM was trying to give me instructions, and I was finding it hard to grasp what he was saying. Instead, I found myself looking out the window over his shoulder. I noticed that buildings were floating through the air, by the window, starting with a hotdog cart, then a shed, then some sort of utility building. Finally I realized that we, too, were floating away, no longer anchored. Just when I started to wonder how far we’d rise toward space, and if we’d suffocate, I woke up.
I wonder how far I’ll drift. How do I survive this? What even is it?
So many seemingly insurmountable life changes are happening that it’s impossible to even begin to separate them out for one blog post. I’m going to try to make an effort to get back to writing on a regular basis, even daily if possible. Maybe it will help me make sense of all of this. These are some of the things that I know, in no particular order:
- The pandemic is worsening, and it is currently estimated that the United States might exceed 400,000 deaths due to COVID-19 by January 2021.
- Social media and online advertising has taken on a life of its own, and appears to be perched to destroy life as we know it unless we do something.
- Our government is in complete shambles, and over 72 million Americans voted for someone who cannot be said to live even one of the Fruits of the Spirit. This person is refusing to concede, his followers appear to be brainwashed to eagerly support the most anti-American behavior possible (racism, ableism, sexism, xenophobia, fraud, hate and fear-mongering, lie after lie after lie, I simply don’t have the time or the interest in continuing this list here, but please click above to see Politifact’s latest, and if you don’t trust that, here’s more in The Washington Post, or just do your own very basic search to see literally anything that he has said over the last four years and examine it for ANY signs of morality, care, or kindness). I think we have every reason to be afraid that our country is at the brink of a civil war, and I am afraid for my friends.
- I will never get my job back, and the odds are very strong that I am once again in a position where I have to dispose of everything I’ve worked for and start all over again from the very bottom.
- I am in so much student loan debt that I try to push the number far from my mind. The amount I currently owe could buy a modest house in my area. Now that I’ve been learning carpentry and welding, which pay higher per hour than any job I’ve EVER had, I’m so dispirited that I fell for the narrative that was pushed on me from youth that I HAD to go to college to be a successful, worthwhile human being.
- Speaking of failure, I have trouble talking to my family if I’m not feeling successful enough to be worthy of them, which means that I have been too ashamed to call my grandmothers in months. I’m pretty sure that this can be tracked back to an instance where I got a B on my report card and my dad threatened that the next time it happened, my parents would spank me, then call up each set of grandparents so that they could visit and spank me, too. I was maybe 7 or 8. It didn’t happen again, but I have always felt like less than perfect meant I was absolutely pointless. So yeah, awesome.
- I do not have health insurance, and I can’t afford to even consider it right now. If I get COVID, hopefully my body will be strong enough to fight it off without going to the hospital. Also, I lost access to the adoption benefit program when I got laid off, so now my partner and I won’t be able to afford adopting. And given the lack of health insurance and the cost of pregnancy, that’s clearly out, as well. Not to mention that the US maternal mortality rate is absolutely terrifying. We are currently 55th in the world, and 10th out of a list of 10 similarly wealthy countries.
- Not only are no jobs opening up that are at my skill and education level, there’s nothing that I can even bring myself to try to fit. It might pay to be a door-to-door insurance salesperson, but I definitely don’t intend to find that out. Currently, I’m picking up a little bit of cash grocery shopping for Shipt, and helping a friend make soaps at her studio to try to keep my mind busy. At least I get all the candles and soaps I need, but I need money, too. However, I’m pretty unwilling to make any concessions ever again. I’m tired of starting my life over and over again, and constantly sucking it up to make others happy. From now on, either it’s on my terms or it’s a no-go.
- In the past few months, I’ve heard my dad’s voice (disembodied, as he did die in 2019) twice. I also believe that my friend Andy has been sending me signs. In addition, think what you want, but I visited a medium to connect with my dad, and that didn’t happen (well, it did, but it was very brief). Instead, he sat aside and let a few others come through to talk, including my friend Andy, my high school English teacher, my cat, my partner’s maternal grandmother, and my partner’s adoptive mother. I was especially pleased to hear from my partner’s mom, as we never met in real life, and I really wanted to connect with her. Also, she was especially validating, as she had no online presence, my partner has little to no online presence, and I also didn’t tell ANYONE that I was hoping to speak with her prior to the call.
- Oh yeah, I’m studying to become a metalsmith. That’s useful information.
OK, this was a crappy post, and I apologize for it not having any rhyme or reason. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get it together. Seriously, though, don’t hold your breath. I’ve been saying that since March.