It’s Day 27 of 2019, and to quote the Beatles, “Lala, how the life goes on.” It’s a curious feeling, knowing that everything’s both the same and different. Here I am, same person, just a slightly different way of looking at things.
I’ve been doing a pretty good job of refraining from the time wasters and keeping up with my learning/doing goals:
Social Media: My chorus girl group communicates primarily through a FB group page that we’re required to check daily, so I have been back on Facebook. However, I give myself 5 minutes a day, and am only looking at the group page. I’ve been doing my best to keep Instagram to a minimum, but have also tried to balance that with improving my image quality, so I go back and forth there, really.
Television: So far this month, I’ve watched one movie at a friend’s house. It’s much harder living without television than I’d thought it would be, mostly because I just love stories so much. I’m hoping that by keeping myself away from Netflix and Hulu, eventually it will encourage my brain to shift and focus more on writing my own stories than watching others’. We’ll see.
52 Books A Year: I’m well ahead on reading. I’ve read 14 books so far this month, and yesterday I FINALLY accomplished a goal that I’ve had for about 12 years now – I visited the nearest library and got a new library card! It was a pleasure to realize that even though the local library branch is pretty tiny, they’ve still got a nice non-fiction section. I chose a funny memoir by an airline attendant, another funny memoir by a Zen Buddhist monk, and a book on Norse mythology.
Stepping Out of Comfort Zone + Learning A New Thing Each Month: Dance has been going well. I’ve got the basics of both our performance routine and the parade routine down, and am not too worried about getting it really tight by the time we are called to perform. Our parade is in late February, and I was pleased to find great deals on parade shoes and my character heels for the “stage” performance (whether or not there will actually be a stage remains to be determined). After some serious bargain shopping, I found gently used pairs of shoes on Poshmark, and together with shipping, the two pairs cost me slightly less than one brand new pair of parade shoes would have cost. Pretty stoked about that, especially as it means I won’t have to work quite so hard to break everything in (for being an avid hiker, I’ve always had stupidly tender feet, and do a lot of work to avoid blisters and bruising, so it’s nice that one small step is done).
Self Care: I have to admit that I fell down on the job with my skincare routine these last few days. I’ve still been using serums and moisturizer, but I’ve been washing my face once a day rather than twice, as directed. I’m not sure if I’ve seen much of a difference over the course of this month, anyway, but I’m still interested in working at it, at least until I run out of product.
Alcohol: Still haven’t had a drink, and can’t say I miss it. The worst thing about not drinking is that I’m even more strongly reminded of just how far removed I am from the social engagements that I would truly enjoy attending. I enjoy learning, playing games, dancing, being active, exploring, creating things, but I don’t have a social outlet for these things in New Orleans. It’s not that I won’t ever be able to find the right people; it’s just that, for the moment, I haven’t found my niche. It’s nice to see this for what it is. The next step is to figure out how to fix it.
Other Time Wasters: I haven’t really talked about it here, but one MASSIVE time waster that I was looking to give up this year is men. This doesn’t mean that I’m not keeping my heart open in case the right weirdo comes along, but my life has been one agonizing dead-end crush after another (and sometimes a few, piled up on top of each other), interspersed with relationships where I put in 80% of the emotional labor, lose my personality, drain my bank account, and am eventually left behind as an empty, sad little husk that has to rebuild from scratch. Of course, being a Scorpio, I do love to burn it all down and start over again, but I’m 37 now, and I’m very, very tired.
All this being said, I don’t know that I’ve ever loved myself as much as I do right now, and I really just want to spend my energy on myself from here on out. So far, I feel pretty good about not letting my daydreams and momentary crushes waltz out of control this year. I’m proud that I’ve been practical and have been able to rein myself in when I felt any flights of fancy coming on. I’m sure there will always be some girlish intrigues on my mental platter, since it keeps life fun, but I need to focus on being able to clearly see things for what they are. Hopefully, working on just being the best possible me will attract someone genuine and self-sufficient, who can take up his own parallel track. If not, I need to find a way to be OK with that, too.